Lost.

Mood: Contemplative
Music: Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me- The Smiths

I don't know how I feel.

I really need to be closer to God... and I feel like I am somewhat but there is one factor working against me: the fact that I smoke. I think I may be addicted. I'm going to try to quit after this pack, but I have said that a lot and it never works out. My great friend Caleb seems to be helping me a little. He has introduced me to a band that has the most profound lyrics about God. I love As Cities Burn, now.

I can't seem to be happy without some sort of subtance anymore, whether if it's caffeine, nicotine, or tobacco. I just need to stop now.

There are some things I like about Christmas.

Mood: Happy
Music: Hot Hot Hot!!!- The Cure

It's funny how friends make your life so much better. I was going through some serious struggles and I honestly believe it's because of lack of love I feel from... wherever it's missing. Like family, some friends, peers, everyone. But when I gave them a very special Christmas gift, I know they really appreciated it and I felt it. I felt like they appreciated me and loved me. I know I sound pathetic but... I have some emotional problems due to my past.

I've liked this kid Houston for a few months now. I don't trust him at all yet, but he's been talking to me for the past three days. I hung out with him once and we plan to again sometime after Christmas. We'll see.

I'm going to try REALLY hard to stop the smoking, drinking and partying. I live for God and I need to show that in my actions better.

-Panda Bear